Strictly for the Salseras: "to be, or not to be 'just friends' after the break up"
by Thavary Krouch
posted April 13, 2005

It's another hot, steamy, and electrifying night at your favorite salsa club. You're dressed in your sexiest attire and looking fine as ever, as you plan to lose yourself on the dance floor to rid yourself of the "break up blues." You casually walk in to find the usual crowd, but to your chagrin, you spot your ex-flame/ex-significant other/ex-boyfriend (whatever you want to call him) getting cozy with someone else. Suddenly, that feeling of excitement and self-confidence fades and you're left with a sick feeling in the gut of your stomach. You are no longer your happy, sassy, salsera self. "Damn, it," you whisper to yourself, "that's okay, I can play it cool," as you develop cotton mouth and your throat begins to close up. You told yourself, that you two could be "just friends," but you weren't prepared to feel like someone punched you in the stomach and twisted a knife in your heart, especially at the sight of him with someone else. Judging from your reaction, holding onto the thought of being "just friends" won't last 2 beats of a conga drum.

I know many of you can relate to the scene described above, and how you struggled to maintain your composure as if you're "just friends." After several conversations with some of my girlfriends, I decided to explore this topic further. And I'm coming to find how tricky and messy being "just friends" after a break up can be.

In this post-break up stage, you're in constant limbo on where to go next. You struggle with giving in to the urge of calling him; you cry when you're alone in the car because some sappy love song comes on; and you stare at those pictures of him you should have burned a long time ago. In moments like these, it feels like "closure" has done packed its bag and left town for good, with no sign of returning.

Therefore you opt for being "just friends" because you're used to having this person in the picture and the possibility of cutting him out of your life completely would hurt too much. You do what females do best; you rationalize and remain in denial about the fact that your "couplehood" is over. You try to lessen the pain and prolong the inevitable by spending time together, but you also learn, that being "just friends" isn't making the aching go away either.

After my own bouts of "break up blues" and a good dose of reality check from my girlfriends, I'm finding that being "just friends" may not be the best road to healing after a breakup. However this is not to say, that you and the ex can't become friends down the long road. But make this a long road in the far future because only with time and distance from the old relationship and your ex, can healing take place and allow for "true friendship" to blossom and grow.

But I preface all this, with the fact that there are no clear cut answers. Like most things in life, the answer's not going to be written for you in black and white. With the help of my girlfriends and some self-reflection, I've come up with some advice on where to take the next step in the post-breakup stage, what I like to call the "to be or not to be 'just friends' dilemma". Again all advice comes down to, are merely suggestions. Only you know where your heart lies and where to take it next.

First and foremost, be honest with yourself. If you are still affected emotionally, and/or are emotionally attached, or you're still angry about the breakup, then it's probably better to re-evaluate the possibility of being "just friends." You can't go from being lovers to friends overnight, as often as we want to believe otherwise. The two relationships differ in both dynamics and mindsets. To go from one to the other, requires patience in the cycle of renewal and change, and for salseras that may mean taking a break from salsa.

One girlfriend pointed out, "that in theory, it should be possible to be 'just friends' with an ex. But in real life, there are all these ifs - if both are mature, if it was a mutual break up, if you respect the other person even after the break-up." This brings up more questions, like whether maturity has anything to do with it. Although we are strong, smart, sassy salseras, even the best of us breakdown from time to time as the result of a break up. And being buddy-buddy with a former flame is not as mature and civilized as it may seem on the surface.

And before we can tackle the possibility of being "just friends" it's important first to decide what friendship means. After much pondering, I've decided that there are three types of friends:
there's the true solid friendship, when you really care for your ex but the romance has faded; and even hugging and kissing them feels like you're hugging and kissing your brother; then there's the meet for coffee friendship, where they aren't in your inner circle or even on the shortlist of people you typically hang out with, but every so often you have civil talk on the phone or send them an email with a "hope you're doing well" message. Finally, there's the friendly with the ex friendship; the situation when you can be civil to your ex in public, but you're not interested in hanging out…ever again.

Another girlfriend added another if scenario by saying, "that friendship maybe more of a possibility if it is healthy for both people. Trust is another big one for me; I do not understand trying to trust an ex as a friend when the ex could not be trusted in a relationship. I personally have never been able to stay close or even in frequent contact with any exes after a serious relationship. It has always been painful for at least one of us, if not both. Not to mention, it can be difficult to just keep it on the friendship level, especially if you were not friends prior to dating."

Therefore bringing to light an undeniable, but sometimes forgettable fact that trust, respect, loyalty, and friendship go hand in hand. And if your ex was a scumbag player, then the answer's pretty clear; steer clear away from him and sever all communication. Keeping the communication lines open is only keeping the wounds open. And forget thinking about hanging out with him because that would only be putting more salt to the wound.

This also brings us to whether or not you were friends to begin with. Were you friends only because you were in a relationship? As another girlfriend pointed out, "I think it's easier to stay friends if the other person is the one who still has feelings for you but you don't. I think it's way too hard if you still have secret feelings and they don't. It hurts too much. I think the best situation is one where you were already good friends and you 'try' being together and then both realize it was not a good idea, you can laugh about it, and go back to being buddies."

A fourth girlfriend agreed that, "it is possible to be friends after a breakup if there is sincere appreciation/admiration for one another (as oppose to a relationship that is only based on superficial attraction). It does make it much more difficult if one person wanted to break up, and the other one did not." She goes on to say that, "if at all possible though, I think it's a good idea to set boundaries with the other person, so that both parties are on the same page regarding the definition of being 'just friends'."

This is where I'd like to add my own if. If he's still calling you after you've stated your intentions and the nature of your friendship but still uses everything in his power to string you along. When this happens, he clearly doesn't know what he wants and is searching for some sort of validation for his existence. So it's important to be very clear, honest and firm with your ex. Set boundaries and stick to them. If your ex wants something more and is persistent, again keep your distance and sever all communications entirely.

Break ups are never easy, but it's tougher when you're trying to maneuver through the post-break up stage within a small community where on any given salsa night, you're more than likely to run into your ex. So if you have to, take a break from salsa. This doesn't mean that you should cut salsa from your life completely. It just means taking some time to refocus, so you can come back to salsa, with a renewed spirit. Because only with a clear head and a mended heart can you enjoy your love of salsa again. And who knows, with time and distance, you can begin to forge a friendship with your ex, and he could possibly become the best friend you weren't expecting.

Whether you're the dumped or the dumpee; breaking up sucks. But being "just friends" isn't going to make the healing process any easier. The rollercoaster of life is already crazy with its ups and downs (not to mention the emotional and hormonal rollercoaster that comes with being a woman). We can do ourselves a favor, as sassy salseras, to make the post-break up stage a time for healing; to getting back to doing the things we love; to getting back to the other people in our lives (before your relationship to your ex was the center of your world), and exploring other dating potentials. And we can do all these things, through the magic we've come to know as salsa.

And last, but not least, once you feel fired up and refreshed and are ready to come back to the dance floor, remember to flirt, flirt, and flirt, like there's no tomorrow!! Nothing works best to boost your self-esteem than rediscovering the basic rules of seduction and how to be appreciated for simply being the beautiful, strong, smart, sassy salsera that you are!!

Note: Stay tuned for next week's article: "Is it possible for salseras and salseros to be good friends and nothing more?"